listening to Hobo Johnson and Tash Sultana – amazing beautiful music – both come from personal difficulties, but found happiness and healing in music. 

need to find happiness to navigate through live and own it with what makes you happy

Working on it.

Bored by what is not real. Looked for movies to watch tonight – but nothing appeals. Tired of not being present. Got through today being present with having music playing. Even during dinner. Eases the “burden” of being here – present in live – aware of myself and my surrounding.

Thanks to you both!

cheers

yes moving forward but also moving out of our house? renting but its really old and had mold problems. wife is worred about kids, a new doc shares her concerns.

we are paying really not much for the area and have a huge backyard. but the house is tiny and reallly small. i want a nice small clean newer single family house but man its expensive here. renting is impossible as its really expensive. Cheaper to buy actually.

get into a 5% down deal with the bonus coming in March 2019? but our credit sucks though…

at least work is ok now. things going smooth but SUPER busy. MORE BONUS PLEASE

So in the previous post I vented a bit. Now I’m looking at going to sleep again. And waking up again. And going to work again. And nope, I’m not looking forward to it.

Short: I’m trying to find ways t make my life more meaningful. Biggest object hindering this is my job. Working all day, leaving at 8 coming home at 7. I’m grateful for the employment and the pay (YES WE NEED IT. That’s me +1 + 3 +1/2) ((Yes the cat needs to eat too.)) But that’s far not enough time I want with my wife and kids and the time spent earning the cash IS NOT in any way spiritually enriching and therefore NOT SUSTAINABLE to my mental health. PERIOD. YES, THAT’S VERY IMPORTANT IF YOU NEED TO BE PRESENT AT HOME FOR YOUR FAMILY WHO NEEDS YOU AND WHO RELIES ON YOU NOT ONLY FOR THE MONEY BUT ALSO FOR THE being a daddy and being a husband kind of thing (for when I’m home). I want to enjoy my family, and need to be in a state of being to do so. A not happy soul doesn’t allow you to be happy and in the end does not allow any happiness to be felt but only sadness which you don’t want to feel so you suppress it. That’s always a recipe for disaster.

So here is some career searching analysis. I took plenty of test and it tells me that I’m a investigative people person so I should be come a doctor or so. Yeah… Going back to school is not going to work unless I can go to school and make a living for my family.

I care about:

people and I think I’m good people person as I can listen “actively”. I can shift my perspective and be compassionate.

I like investigating. My mind like to investigate like a detective investigates a case. It tries do understand how things work. How things come to be. What had to happen for something to be like that. I have the memory of waiting for the bus as a kid and just wondering how this road came about. How this place looked like a hundred years ago. That makes me good at computers and math and problem solving and Excel. But that’s all mind stuff. Life can’t be just about that.

Some people don’t follow as fast as I do when it comes of such matters of the mind. I’m patient though. I have strength and other have theirs. So, I’m patient and understanding as said before.

I need to learn to connect to people. I’m a people person believe me. Straight forward likable and talkable and understandable and “nice”. But man am I tired of being like that. As I said, I need to find friends.

I don’t like to do boring things. Like comparing and pointing out differences. I’m also pretty bad at lying out timelines or planning things in minute detail. As you see many of these insights come from my job.

What I do like at my job is collaborating with others. A interactive session discussing how to approach a challange or trying to figure something. In that setting I can appreciate not only the mind people but also other qualities and contribute to the common goal. People who are grounded and see things real, instead of me being more up in the air being a idealist. I live of other people’s energy. I’m an extrovert. I still have to get that into my head. I’m an extrovert w/o friends who considered himself an introvert because he was addicted to playing computer games which he know understand was just a way to suppress sadness and escape into a different reality.

I’m putting away with any kind of “different reality”. No shows, movies, Youtubing etc. (I do have to finish Asimov’s foundation series though – only one chapter to go. Yes really only because Elon Musk mentioned that he is a big fan.). Clear my mind and camp out in the harsh reality of REALITY. That real stuff, i think only some people enjoy. It hurts most really.

Funny fact to close the post: I sometimes forget to shave part of my neck, so like today there are those random hair poking out right where my adam’s apple is. Cheers.

I’ll leave the header as is as that’s what it is.

A shallow nights define my past.

I don’t make music yet. But wordpress is so kind to give me this page for free. So I’ll take it this url. Maybe some music later.

I’m inspired by this musician Hobo Johnson. He inspires me to start this. He lives life without compromise and to its fullest. Struggling to follow his calling. Breaking out of mediocracy and pursuing it with every fiber of his being. And owning it and winning and staying true to him self. Thank God for such people.

I’m tired of mediocrity my self you know. I’m yearning to express myself and feel free, feel life, feel myself. I’m blessed in this life but haven’t given anything back. And there is stagnation of energy exhausting and frustration. I’m writing to substantiate the inner voice that feeling, that wants more. More from life than a day to day routine; grey and proper and BORING. MIND FLATTENING. CASTRATING.

I want to live and learn and grow and find friends. NOT BORING “FRIENDS” but friends. True souls that share the same yearning for life and DEPTH, MEANING and JOY. Joy. Dear God. Let me feel joy.